While there is no simple answer to this question, what I have found is that those couples who are able to share without being impeded by feelings of anger or jealousy are those same couples who have the healthiest of sex lives. When it comes to our own eroticism, how much should we share with our partner? Should we share every fantasy, every turn-on, every fond memory of a former lover? What we will stop instead is our partners feeling comfortable sharing them with us. What makes the difference? And even if we tell our partners that we are uncomfortable with these acts, we still can’t stop them from occurring. If she had known how her husband would react, she likely would never have shared what she thought was a harmless dream.ĭreams aside, is it okay to fantasize about those outside our primary relationship? Imagining what it would be like to see a colleague naked? Thinking about what it might be like in the embrace of someone other than our partner? She didn’t want to have sex with another man. After all, she could not control the content of her dreams. He felt angry, sad, betrayed… but should he? His wife felt that it was unfair. When Amanda told Tom that she had dreamt she was having sex with one of Tom’s friends, he was furious. Does that mean that each of these is a betrayal of the relationship? Aren’t we entitled to some freedom to explore eroticism? Erotic freedom in modern couplesĮrotic freedom or erotic independence is the notion that one can never fully divulge the extent of one’s erotic thoughts to their partner- nor should they. Sexual alchemy is present in all of these activities and more. Where do we draw the line? When does something happen ? Is it a longing gaze? A brush of the arm? A flirtatious text? A fantasy? Watching porn? Oral sex? Sexual intercourse? When she pressed for details, he admitted that he had slept in her bed.
The next day, he told his wife, Angie, that nothing had happened. Being too drunk to drive home, he accepted the invitation of a coworker to stay at her apartment nearby. Often the defense of those accused of straying, this phrase often misses the mark when it comes to sexual alchemy. After all, our mind is truly our most powerful sexual organ. Esther says that the kiss we only imagine giving can be more powerful than hours of actual love making. Sexual alchemy is about so much more than just sex. It avoids the narrow definition utilized by those such as Bill Clinton. The term is used in place of simply sex because so many affairs do not include sexual acts. Sexual alchemy is the term that Esther Perel uses to describe the erotic nature of affairs.
#Alchemy definition series#
In this last of the four-part series on defining infidelity, I want to share with you the third common component in affairs- sexual alchemy.
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